Ehhh… words… and sketchy pictures. Just thoughts mostly, my C-PTSD symptoms have been super bad lately… Certain foggy memories coming back of one of the worst parts of my life. And it’s like a loop something triggers one memory, which triggers another, etc. And I dunno, just been needing to get my thoughts down maybe… and maybe because I see little comics about mental health and personal stuff on occasion, and I guess I was like, well maybe that would help me if I could try that. I think I mostly made this for someone. Who ended up becoming really scary in my mind, due to nobody’s fault, and even I don’t quite understand it, because I don’t want him to be associated with the traumatic memories that he became associated with, and there’s no reason for him to be… My brain just messes stuff up sometimes.. And it’s so hard to put this sort of thing into words. To tell him, yes I am scared when I’m around him. Not because of him, because of the memories of others. I don’t want to be scared of him, I trusted him fully, and I want to again… And I guess I just needed some way of explaining my irrational thought processes… to them? myself? I dunno. I’m bad at explaining things. Better with thoughts if I can sort of just draw and write them out as they come to me…
I think this is a really great portrayal of what it seems like people experience when they are triggered and how being triggered can make relating to and being around other people really complicated.
I wish I knew how to explain all of this, as someone whose partner has CPTSD, to others who don’t understand or don’t “believe in” PTSD - or at least if that’s even possible to do. I know it isn’t actually my place to even talk to anyone about my partner’s CPTSD (at least outside of more anonymous spaces like Tumblr, I guess), but I am always tempted to try to get people to understand what is really going on when she does something that might seem “extreme” or “rude” to people simply because they don’t actually understand what is going on and that she is actually just being triggered.
Even though a situation where she has been badly triggered in a public/social setting and reacted noticeably/didn’t get away in time hasn’t occurred for a long time, sometimes I still worry about it happening in the future. Mostly, I just worry about my reaction to those types of situations. How do I explain her behavior to people without over-stepping boundaries? Is my only option just to try to make up an excuse that seems plausible and scramble for a made-up explanation so that people won’t just make the completely inaccurate assumption that my partner is just a selfish, rude, unfriendly and/or controlling person?
I just really hate feeling like sometimes people think that she is someone that she is not. I know “actions speak louder than words”, but a lot of people clearly don’t realize that not everyone’s actions/reactions are in response to the present, and that even though someone seems like they are acting a certain way towards you or because of something you said or did, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it is personal or has anything to do with you.
My sister, specifically, tends to trigger my partner, too, and it is really tough because I don’t know how to explain to my sister that in a lot of ways it isn’t actually personal so that she isn’t upset with my partner when she doesn’t want my sister over, doesn’t want to go out with her, etc.
I just wish there were more places to go for help with this kind of stuff so that I actually knew what to do. I feel so protective a lot of the time, but I’m also really afraid of making mistakes, crossing boundaries, and making situations more difficult for her. However, I think that sometimes those fears make me way to afraid to do or say anything at all when I should, and then counterintuitively end up making things more difficult anyway.